With the holidays rapidly approaching and children soon home from school, parenting strategies can make or break a memorable, magical season.
Parenting approaches in the U.S. have gone through a fundamental shift over the past decade, transitioning from the traditional dynamics of power struggles toward a focus on collaboration and support. This change is the topic of a new Ask IFAS document from Victor Harris, UF/IFAS professor, and Madalyn Klein, a student in the University of Florida Department of Family, Youth and Community Sciences.
“There’s an old way of doing things with parenting, which is more about power and control, and the new way is more about shared decision-making and teaching children about how to learn and think about their choices, and then reinforcing it,” said Harris, a professor of family, youth and community sciences. This paradigm shift is crucial in fostering a nurturing environment where children feel valued and understood.
Gone are the days of the “my way or the highway” mentality. “We’re moving away from that, thank goodness,” Harris stated.
Today’s approach to parenting – often referred to as “gentle parenting” – is more about allowing children to make choices within set guidelines and boundaries. These approaches are called “highlighter parenting” because they brightly identify which behaviors are healthy and societally preferred.
For instance, instead of demanding that a child does their chores immediately, parents might ask, “Would you rather do this now or when your homework is done?” This method not only respects the child’s autonomy but also teaches them to think critically about their decisions.
Other aspects of highlighter parenting include recognizing and naming where the child excels, specifically acknowledging actions performed by their child and expanding on how they can grow, listening intently to show their child they are valued and leading by example.
“We still state the expectations, but we’re supportive. We stand on their side with them. We’re not the opposer,” he said. This supportive stance helps avoid power struggles.
“When you’re pointing out something that needs to change for the child, be careful to focus on the misbehavior, not the child, so as not to make them feel shamed,” Harris advises.
On the flip side, parents who are “permanent marker parents” – who leave a dark mark on the canvas of their child’s life – react to unwanted behavior in haste and often with harsh language. Some characteristics of permanent marker parents include focusing on shaming the child, not the misbehavior, being constantly preoccupied and not attentive to the children around them and leaving permanent negative effects on their children.
To assist parents in implementing these strategies, Harris recommends using tools such as tracking charts that differentiate between specific and non-specific praise, which are included in the Ask IFAS document. These charts provide clear dos and don’ts, helping parents to be more effective in their praise and reinforcement techniques.
“The first underlying thing that highlighter parents do, they’re available and responsive. The second thing they do is reinforce that their child is lovable and capable,” he said.
Harris said keeping these principles in mind can help the parent-child relationship blossom and foster a supportive and loving environment, especially around a stressful and hectic holiday season.
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The mission of the University of Florida Institute of Food and Agricultural Sciences (UF/IFAS) is to develop knowledge relevant to agricultural, human and natural resources and to make that knowledge available to sustain and enhance the quality of human life. With more than a dozen research facilities, 67 county Extension offices, and award-winning students and faculty in the UF College of Agricultural and Life Sciences, UF/IFAS brings science-based solutions to the state’s agricultural and natural resources industries, and all Florida residents.
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