By Carol Church, Writer, Family Album
Reviewed by Suzanna Smith, PhD, Department of Family, Youth, and Community Sciences, University of Florida
Can you remember who your best friend was when you were 13 years old? I definitely do (and we’re still friends today). Back then, we spent hours on the phone, but today’s teens are more likely to exchange hundreds of texts. Still, some things about these early teen bonds don’t change. They’re so central to young people, and they also provide crucial “practice” for relationships years down the road…even in adulthood.
Establishing Key Skills
But what if those young friendships don’t go so well? Is the stage being set for future problems? In a study of about 180 diverse young people from ages 13-21, researchers looked at how well youth were doing at establishing “autonomy” (the ability to express their own point of view) and “relatedness” (warm collaboration) in their friendships. People who are high in autonomy and relatedness tend to do well in their relationships in later life, while those who are poor at these skills may struggle with depression and loneliness.
Young People Observed at Different Ages
To find out more, researchers videotaped 13-year-olds as they discussed a hypothetical dilemma with their close friends and rated their autonomy and relatedness skills. Then, at ages 18 and 21, the same young people were observed as they discussed hypothetical dilemmas and real-life relationship concerns with friends or romantic partners. The researchers wanted to see how these patterns of relating to others had changed over the years.
Parenting Factors Play a Role
They also wanted to know how parents might have set these skills in motion—or not. In particular, they looked at what happened when parents were overly psychologically controlling, meaning that they used parenting methods like inducing guilt and worry (“Why are you doing this to me?”) and withdrawing affection.
Relationships Build on Relationships
So, how did it all connect? Young teens who were good at relationships at age 13 were even better at these skills at age 18, and continued improving through age 21. But thirteen-year-olds whose parents were overly controlling had trouble. Their relationship skills with friends and romantic partners got worse over the years. For instance, rather than discussing a hypothetical “problem” in a friendly way, they might become hostile.
Problems Build on Problems
The researchers think that children whose parents are too controlling don’t get much practice with setting healthy boundaries with others while also keeping the relationship warm. Over time, this may have a “snowball” or “cascade” effect. Kids who lack these skills may not be good at maintaining healthy friendships. Later, they may not do well with the give and take of romantic partnership.
Meanwhile, children who started out with more supportive parenting build up these same skills from a foundation of success.
To help your children and teens experience a lifetime of strong relationships, strive to avoid emotionally manipulative parenting techniques. Instead, remind them of your unconditional love and support, even while setting high expectations and enforcing appropriate behavior. For more, visit the resources in Further Reading.
(Photo credit: Teenagers by Samantha Dunne. CC BY-NC-SA 2.0. Cropped.)
Further Reading
Is Your Parenting Psychologically Controlling?
Helping Your School-Age Child Develop a Healthy Self-Concept
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