By Carol Church, Writer, Family Album

Reviewed by Heidi Radunovich, PhD, Department of Family, Youth, and Community Sciences, University of Florida

When one of my children is acting a bit entitled or demanding, I sometimes warn him or her not to be a Veruca Salt. Veruca, as you may or may not remember, is a self-centered little girl from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory who wants everything “now” and has a pretty bratty attitude. At the same time, we feel a bit sorry for Veruca. You get the feeling she’s not going to grow up to be a happy person.

Narcissism Defined

While we obviously can’t “diagnose” the fictional Veruca with anything in particular, we might wonder whether she’s developing a few narcissistic traits. Narcissists have a need to believe they are naturally superior to other people and deserve “special” treatment. The admiration of others is very important to them, and they’re terrified of humiliation. Narcissists may appear confident, but they’re actually prone to depression, addiction, and anxiety—not to mention toxic to others around them.

Where Does Narcissism Start?

Why do some people grow up to develop narcissistic personalities? That’s been a matter of debate. Is it because their parents treat them like privileged little princes and princesses—children who can do no wrong? Or, on the flip side, is it because their parents provide them with little or no warmth or affection, causing children to feel they have to “build themselves up,” since no one else is? Or…are they just “born that way”?

Parents and Children Surveyed

A recent study looked at over 550 Dutch middle-class children between the ages of 7 and 11 to find out more. Over the course of two years, the children completed various surveys relating to this subject. For instance, they were asked if they agreed with statements like, “I like to think about how incredibly nice I am,” and “Kids like me deserve something extra.” Though the survey couldn’t (and didn’t) diagnose narcissistic personality disorder, some kids showed more narcissistic traits.

Meanwhile, their parents were also surveyed over the same time period to see if they were overvaluing their children. They were asked if they believed statements like, “My child deserves special treatment,” and “My child is a great example for others to follow.” Importantly, these questions asked about beliefs the parents held about their children–not so much things the parents did or didn’t do on a daily basis. So, it’s not quite clear exactly why these beliefs influenced the children, though it seems they did.

Parental Overvaluing Increased Narcissistic Traits

Over time, children whose parents consistently overvalued them became more likely to show more signs of narcissism. However, the theory that chilly, distant parents raise self-obsessed kids didn’t seem to hold up. There was no clear link between lack of parental warmth and narcissistic traits. Instead, what the researchers saw was a bit more simple: parents who thought their kids were “extra-special” people who just “deserved more” raised children who tended to think the same about themselves!

Warmth And Praise Don’t Cause Narcissism

Parental warmth did, however, tie in children’s (healthy) self-esteem. When moms and dads were warm with their kids, their self-esteem was higher later on. It’s important to separate high self-esteem—a really good thing, and a quality we want to cultivate in our kids—from unhealthy narcissism. One way to understand the difference is that people with high self-esteem really do feel positively about themselves, whereas people with narcissistic traits desperately want to feel positively about themselves.

It’s never a great idea to give your child the idea that he or she is somehow “above” other children—better, more special, worthier, or just deserving of “more.” But there’s a balance here as well. This research does not show that parent shouldn’t praise or be positive with their children. Your child deserves to feel that he or she is important, valued, and loved—by you! Providing consistent warmth and security is a key part of nurturing a healthy, but realistic, sense of self-esteem.

References:

Brummelman, E., et al. (2015). Origins of narcissism in children. Proceedings of the National Academy of Science, Early Edition. http://dx.doi.org/10.1073/pnas.1420870112

Photo Credits: Jupiterimages/Stockbyte/Thinkstock

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