By Carol Church, Writer, Family Album

Reviewed by Victor Harris, PhD, Department of Family, Youth, and Community Sciences, University of Florida

Are you among the millions of Americans who’ve found themselves drawn into the lushly filmed, elaborately plotted, and always-dramatic series Game of Thrones? My husband and I watch the show, and I admit, I find it mesmerizing, although it sometimes seems like the plot is awfully heavy on the war, murder, and betrayal. Heroes are rare, and true love is even rarer. Marriages are performed for reasons of alliance, wealth, or revenge. Love might sometimes come along later…if you’re really lucky.

I found myself thinking about Game of Thrones as I read recently about the history of marriage in the United States. Much as in that show’s fictional world, marriage in early America served mostly practical purposes, facilitating family safety, child care, and financial stability. Romantic love wasn’t much of a factor at all.

Around the middle of the nineteenth century, though, the idea of love in marriage became more important, and spouses began to think of each other more in more romantic terms–though this ideal often didn’t materialize in real life. But it wasn’t until the mid-20th century that the current concept of marriage evolved. Today, our spouses aren’t just our helpmates in homesteading and parenting, or our romantic and sexual partners. We expect them to “complete us,” to help us grow as individuals, and to support us emotionally in almost every way.

So, since we now expect so much from our marriage and our spouses, are we also investing a lot in this relationship? Well…maybe not. Studies show that American spouses spend significantly less dedicated “together time” with their partners today than they did 25 years ago. We’re less likely to socialize together, to eat together, or to do household work side by side. At the same time, our stress levels are higher and our work-life conflict is greater. What’s more, married Americans today have fewer social connections and are less involved in their communities than they once were. They see their parents and siblings less often than unmarried people, and have fewer close friends.

(At this point, you might be wondering what married people actually are doing with their time! In fact, many are spending it with their kids. The number of hours both men and women spend on childcare has increased dramatically over past 25 years. We also put in more time at work these days.)

When we put this all together, we see a real issue. If we expect a lot from our marriages, but don’t devote much time to them, and possess few outside emotional and social resources to help us along, what’s the likely result? That’s right—marital dissatisfaction. It’s likely that these factors help keep the divorce rate steady at around 50%. Others even suggest that for some, the commitment to a marriage is becoming more time-limited. In this concept of marriage, a partnership can (and perhaps should be) dissolved when partners “outgrow” the relationship or feel ready to move on.

Experts have a few suggestions for today’s married couples who may be facing these issues. One simple one is to increase the amount of time you spend together. Research shows that spouses who invest in more dedicated “couple time” are more likely to be happy, especially when other sources of support are few. Another possibility is to try some other simple marriage boosters, such as enjoying new and exciting activities together.

Another option you might not have thought of is to ask a bit less of your marriage. Can you expand your circle of emotional support? Are there some activities you might be able to enjoy with someone other than your spouse? Can you seek personal growth through work or other accomplishments? At times, even a good relationship may suffer from the strain of needing to be “everything” to each other.

Considering all we demand from marriage, it’s pretty important that we remember to invest in it—and also, that we not expect miracles. Fortunately, the days when we married to keep safe from wolves or stay warm through the winter are past. Let’s enjoy that luxury and take the opportunity to work on our partnerships—maybe with a Game of Thrones date night?

(Photo credit: McCall Cover, June Bride by George Eastman House. Public Domain.)

References:

Finkel, E. J., Hui, C.M., Carswell, K. M., &. Larson, G. M. (2014). The suffocation of marriage: Climbing Mount Maslow without enough oxygen. Psychological Inquiry: An International Journal for the Advancement of Psychological Theory, 25:1, 1-41. http://dx.doi.org/10.1080/1047840X.2014.863723

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