By Carol Church, Writer, Family Album

Reviewed by Victor Harris, PhD, Department of Family, Youth, and Community Sciences, University of Florida

“I just can’t seem to do anything right at work!”

“Well, you know how you can be a little disorganized. Maybe you could…”

“Ugh! Never mind!”

When we’re facing a problem at the office, with a family member, or elsewhere, we often turn to our significant others for support. But have you ever tried to go to your partner for help, only to end up feeling frustrated? Sometimes, despite good intentions, we say the wrong thing.

Two Types of Emotional Support

In a study in the journal Psychological Science, researchers took a look at how well different kinds of emotional support work in romantic relationships. Eighty long-term couples were videotaped as one member of the couple talked about something he or she wanted to change about themselves. The other partner offered his or her thoughts. Researchers rated whether the offered support was either so-called “invisible support,” or more obvious and visible.

Is it Best to be “Invisible”?

In visible support, the support person makes it obvious that he or she is the helper and you are the person being helped. The person who’s trying to help may focus on how upsetting the problem is to you, how exactly you can fix it, and how it’s holding you back.

But in invisible support, the roles are less obvious, and the conversation feels more equal. Instead of making a suggestion of how you might handle your specific problem, the helper might simply tell a story about how someone else they know handled an issue like that. Though the supporter is still helping, the recipient feels much less aware of it, and might not even know it’s taking place at all.

In this experiment, visible support was actually not that helpful to the recipients. However, partners who received skillful invisible support felt less angry and anxious afterwards, and more able to be effective in their lives.

This interesting research seems to suggest that support that does not emphasize the roles of “helper” and “person needing help” may be most effective. Learning to offer this kind of support may help partners help each other through difficult times.

(Photo credit: Couple by mrhayata. CC BY 2.0. Cropped.)

References: Howland, M., & Simpson, J. A. (2010). Getting in under the radar: A dyadic view of invisible support. Psychological Science, 21(12), 1878-1885. http://dx.doi.org/10.1177/0956797610388817

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