By Carol Church, Writer, Family Album
Reviewed by Suzanna Smith, PhD, Department of Family, Youth, and Community Sciences, University of Florida
The death of a loved one is a deeply painful experience that can affect those left behind for many months. Over the centuries, we have developed cultural rituals and supports to help survivors cope with these feelings. While we never forget those we have lost, generally, our grief does subside. We also usually have a sense of closure and finality.
Ambiguous Loss Defined
For families suffering what is known as “ambiguous loss,” however, there are often no such rituals, no finality, and few clear ways to deal with the absence in their lives. Ambiguous loss can occur when someone physically disappears, but is not 100% known to be deceased. This could be due to kidnapping, accident under unclear circumstances, or disappearance. For instance, the families of passengers on Malaysia Airlines’ missing flight MH370 may be suffering from feelings of ambiguous loss.
This type of ambiguous loss—physical absence, but emotional “presence” due to unresolved concerns—can also occur after the choice to place a child for adoption, or separation due to war or immigration.
Ambiguous loss may also occur when someone is still physically present but has become psychologically absent, due to brain injury, dementia, mental illness, or substance abuse. In this case, family members may see their loved one often, even every day, but may feel as though the person they once knew is gone, changed, or diminished.
Moving On Despite the Pain
Ambiguous loss can be especially painful because one is essentially “in limbo,” unsure how to proceed. Those affected may feel unable to express their sadness to others–either because the loved one is physically still there, or because the situation is unresolved, and they feel they should not give up hope.
As difficult as it may be, those who have studied ambiguous loss recommend trying to think of the situation in terms of “both/and,” rather than “either/or.” That is, the loved one is both gone, and not gone. It’s also crucial to talk about the painful mixed feelings this experience creates, and to get support from trusted friends or professionals.
At the same time, try to find hope. Recovery or reunion may never occur, but life will continue in a new way, even in the shadow of loss.
(Photo credit: #SamaSamaMH370 by Sham Hardy. CC BY 2.0. Cropped.)
Further Reading
References:
Boss, P. (2004). Ambiguous loss research, theory, and practice: Reflections after 9/11. Journal of Marriage and Family, 66, 3, 551-566. doi: 10.1111/j.0022-2445.2004.00037.x
Boss, P. (2007). Ambiguous loss theory: Challenges for scholars and practitioners. Family Relations, 56, 105-111.
Boss, P. (2010). The trauma and complicated grief of ambiguous loss. Pastoral Psychology, 59, 137-145. doi: 10.1007/s11089-009-0264-0
(Originally published in a slightly different form as: Church, C. (2012). Ambiguous loss. [Radio broadcast episode]. Family Album Radio. Gainesville, FL: University of Florida.)
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