By Carol Church, Writer, Family Album
Reviewed by Victor Harris, PhD, Department of Family, Youth, and Community Sciences, University of Florida
My parents recently celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary—a wonderful occasion. It’s really something to reflect on all the years of marriage they’ve shared.
Milestones like these are great moments for couples who’ve journeyed together over many years. But while events like anniversaries, birthdays, and holidays make for joyful celebrations, it’s also generally recognized that these meaningful dates may become difficult after a partner passes away.
A recent study in the Journals of Gerontology, Series B took a closer look at this often-recognized phenomenon to try to find out more about how grieving spouses are affected by special occasions. Researchers interviewed more than 300 people over the age of 65; some had been recently widowed, while the rest were still married. All of the older adults were asked about their feelings of depression and anxiety, and widows and widowers were also asked to rate feelings of yearning, loss-related anxiety, and despair. Interviews took place 6 months and then 18 months after the widowers’ losses, with those still married being interviewed at similar times so as not to bias the results.
Tough Times Around Spouse Birthdays, June, and January
The results revealed that widows and widowers who’d lost a partner in the last 6 months had a significantly harder time around their late spouse’s birthday–particularly in contrast to married people, who were actually happier at this time of year. Widows and widowers also struggled during June (a common month for weddings and other family celebrations) and January, perhaps in response to a “post-holiday slump.” Interestingly, the month of December, often thought of as difficult for those facing loss, was not found to be an especially hard time for those whose partners had died. However, this might have been because the researchers did not interview anyone in the week between Christmas and New Year’s Eve.
Effects Fade with Time
The good news was that these difficult emotions didn’t seem to linger too long. Eighteen months after the loss of their spouses, the older adults were interviewed again. With more distance on the loss, these same times of year didn’t seem to be linked to additional depression or grief.
If someone you care about has recently lost a spouse or partner, this information may be helpful as you support him or her. Experts advise taking the time to talk about and acknowledge these occasions, perhaps with a brief commemoration. Don’t forget about spouse birthdays, which may be especially difficult because others tend not to remember this date. While intensified grief in response to meaningful dates and holidays is very normal, it’s also good to know that with time, these reactions usually become less intense. For more on supporting a loved one who has lost a spouse, visit the resources in Further Reading.
(Photo credit: 80th birthday cake by Ben Sutherland. CC BY 2.0. Cropped.)
Further Reading
Dealing with Grief During the Holiday Season
Offering Support to the Bereaved: What to Say and Do
Coping with the Loss of a Loved One
References:
Carr, D., Sonnega, J., Nesse, R.M., & House, J.S. (2014). Do special occasions trigger psychological distress among older bereaved spouses? An empirical assessment of clinical wisdom. Journals of Gerontology, Series B: Psychological Sciences and Social Sciences, 69(1), 113–122, doi:10.1093/geronb/gbt061
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